THE EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE WOMAN
What does it mean to be emotionally unavailable?
Emotional availability refers to the ability to bear emotional connections and bonds in relationships.
It is impossible to have a healthy and sustainable relationship without having an emotional bond with your partner.
Emotionally unavailable people tend to grapple in relationships, often favoring to date casually and maintain some emotional distance.
Emotional unavailability can be challenging to identify. However, emotionally unavailable women can be evasive and avoid discussing their feelings.
They can have difficulty trusting people, honoring commitments, or maintain a stable relationship. They may also display bursts of anger.
Intimacy is always kept at arm’s length by emotionally unavailable people.
According to Elisabeth Mandel, a relationship therapist based in New York, emotionally unavailable people can seem happy and stable on the surface.
You can, however, identify this state if you notice that they do not have a lot of range in their emotions or resist changing emotional states.
The stereotype, which by definition can be misleading, is that emotionally unavailable people struggle to ‘hold it together’ and are portrayed as ‘Train wrecks.’
In truth, most of them are just people who like to exercise control and avoid being emotionally vulnerable.
Megan Fleming, a sex and relationship therapist, says it is a protection from feeling hurt(1).
An emotionally unavailable woman is commitment-phobic. She believes that people will let her down sooner or later. Whenever someone tries to approach her, she immediately starts building walls around herself.
This may stem from her upbringing, where she was probably not allowed to display or talk about her feelings. Emotionally unavailable people view emotions as a weakness.
What makes a woman emotionally unavailable?
Emotionally unavailable women seldom realize the pain that they cause to their loved ones and, more specifically, to their partners.
These women view their emotions as unwarranted and detrimental and internalize them to the point where they become oblivious of their feelings outside the physical.
Women who are people pleasers or perfectionists can become emotionally unavailable. This is because of their inept belief that everything has to be perfect and done their way.
They get easily embarrassed and hold in high regard what other people think of them. This can lead to them being highly insecure, cynic, and have trust issues in their relationships.
Another reason for emotional unavailability is those who are obsessed with high achievements.
High achievers and those who are fiercely competitive view life as a situation where winning is all that matters.
Failure is not tolerated under any circumstance. The conversations of such people tend to be superficial.
They only display conviction or passion when the conversation is on an intellectual basis. They may use anger, flattery, arrogance, or avoidance to distance themselves from people.
From the outside, the person may appear to be strong, steadfast, stable, and self-sufficient.
However, more often than not, they lack empathy.
Emotionally unavailable women encounter emotional obstacles in their lives that can make them excessively critical of themselves. They tend to be cynical about life.
They are also very negative on various issues. Such people need to first connect with their own emotions before they connect with the feelings of others.
Emotionally unavailable people experience bursts of anxiety and sometimes depression.
However, this may be unknown to them because they are oblivious to their emotions.
Anxiety is brought about by fear. The fear of intimacy, being hurt, judged, or vulnerability.
If we examine more in-depth, an emotionally unavailable person experiences feelings of shame, not being good enough and inadequacy.
How can you tell if someone is emotionally unavailable?
It may not be obvious to tell if someone is emotionally unavailable. In fact, more often than not, it is difficult to identify them.
Below we look at some of the signs that can help guide you to know if someone is emotionally unavailable.
1. Has no intention to get to know you
She is not interested in you because she is afraid of what she might reveal. She has been hurt before and believes you are another heartbreak waiting to happen. It is not in her nature but rather a defense mechanism. Be patient with her and bid your time. Slowly she will begin to open up if you are patient.
2. She is available if and when she wants to be
She hardly cares for your emotions and will only reveal hers when she wants to. She may not be empathetic and may be considered rude sometimes.
She believes that she will not get hurt by others if she does not care about them. By showing her support and care, she may come around and begin to trust you.
3. She hates any form of commitment
Her past relationships have scared her. She hates commitment and has low self-esteem. Despite this, she wants someone to love her and care for her. Therefore, it may take you longer, but she may be worth it.
4. She is very casual about relationships
She is casual about relationships and will even admit to it. Be careful not to try and make a long term relationship or commitment with her. It can scare her away. Many times you will call, and she won’t answer or text, and she won’t text you back.
5. Demands attention all the time
She will always demand your attention. If you show interest in some else in her presence, she will interrupt you a few times. She may like you but is afraid.
Therefore, she feels threatened by people who show interest in you. She yearns for a connection with someone but is fearful of being hurt.
Consequently, she enjoys the company of emotionally unavailable people.
6. She makes you feel guilty about nearly everything
Emotionally unavailable women will never admit a mistake. She will always blame you for everything and act like the victim.
She will also not let you get away with mistakes or hurting her. She feels the need to be in control and will blame you for everything that is wrong with the relationship.
7. She is dominant
Some men like dominant women. However, when she makes all the life decisions instead of you, it can get annoying.
She may not consult or value your opinion on various matters and instead makes decisions on her own.
However, if you understand that she is emotionally cold, it can help you not taking all of these too personally.
8. She wants it all
A common characteristic of this kind of woman is that she wants it all and she wants it now, like a child with candy. She is impatient and gets easily frustrated when things do not go her way.
9. She never relies on you
These women insist that they do not need a man to be complete, which is why she would rather struggle to get something done than ask for help.
She feels the need to prove her independence at every turn. The trick with this is patience. Be slow in your approach and understand her view.
10. She expresses love in weird or strange ways
She also has feelings and emotions. The thing is that she bottles them inside.
Once in a while, she may release a burst of emotion that may come in weird ways. If you know this and are willing to wait and deal with it, then, by all means, date her.
However, if this is too much for you, then end it with her. If you stay, it will be an emotional roller coaster that will end with you on the receiving end.
11. Her career is more important than you or anything else
She views her career as her source of power. Therefore she focuses on her money, her career, and her clients more than she cares about you.
Money is essential to all of us, and she may feel that if she loses on her career, then she loses control and power.
Make her understand that she needs to separate her business life and her personal life. This way, your relationship can flourish.
12. She thinks you are not worthy of her
Despite making all the romantic gestures such as romantic dinners and expensive gifts, she still gives you the cold shoulder.
You need to understand that it is not just you but every man who approaches her. Such a woman will never give in to your approaches until she works out the issues inside her.
13. She would rather listen than talk about herself
If you have a woman who is always listening to you talk and hardly talks about herself, then she is emotionally broken.
She may be moody and may look to you for a few minutes then claim she has a headache and walkaway.
Her mood swings may confuse and hurt you, but they are not intended to hurt you. Be there for her, and you will win her trust soon enough.
14. She is a perfectionist
Another common characteristic of emotionally unavailable women. Her standard is very high and will most likely fall out with a guy who is just average.
She will never accept failure or mistakes. She can also be very unappreciative of your efforts as she will always believe you can do better.
15. She is always angry about something
It is okay to get angry, but this kind of woman gets angry easily and will complicate small matters. In this relationship, you will never get as much as you give. She is never satisfied. It would be pointless to court such a woman
16. She is not willing to understand you
She will always put her needs first. Even when you are suffering from something, she will only discuss the things she has a problem with.
Your needs will always be secondary to her. She can be very selfish. Think twice before deciding to pursue her.
17. She is intolerant to contrary views to her own
She can be very opinionated and believes her view on various issues are the right ones. If you dare contrary state views on a matter, then you can be sure she will not back down or compromise.
If you are okay with keeping your opinions to yourself, then that is fine, but if you feel the need to be heard, then avoid this kind of woman.
How do you deal with an emotionally unavailable woman?
Emotionally unavailable women were not born this way. Certain experiences along their lives made them like this.
Therefore, it is essential to understand the traumatic experience that she may have gone through. Try and work out this emotional stress. It is only when you work this out that you can make progress on your relationship.
The secret struggle of the emotionally unavailable woman
The emotionally unavailable woman presents a powerful and self-sufficient personality on the outside.
However, deep down, she wants to be loved and cared for like a normal human being. The desire for emotional attachment is a natural human feeling that motivates many to pursue emotional relationships.
These women are very successful in other areas of their lives, such as career and social circles, but seem always to miss the last part of the puzzle, which is a stable and healthy relationship.
Many feel that they have to settle and accept mediocrity or that their standards are too high. Some feel it is the price they pay for their success.
However, few men are willing to invest and breakdown the walls of emotionally unavailable women.
Can you leave an emotionally unavailable woman?
Why not. Men are different. When in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable woman, you will always give more and receive less.
Your problems will be your own, but her issues will be shared between you. It is impossible to sustain a relationship with someone who emotionally unavailable.
Leaving that person is a form of self-care. So yes, it is possible to leave an emotionally unavailable woman and should be recommended for your own sake.
Can an Emotionally unavailable woman come back?
Yes, she can. One of the most exciting things for these women and the men that date them is the chase.
The fact that you tried to date her and then finally gave up is not just hurtful to you but also them.
Of importance to note is that they may be willing to let their guard down a little for you, however, do not expect a smooth ride.
She will only do enough to keep you interested. Unless you are willing to go through the hoops again and put in the work, it may be a road full of heartbreaks and desperation.